December 1st, 2009
November 30th, 2009
|11:53 pm - Look|
|07:46 am - Her style|
you know that they say there is nothing more than words
there are ways to structure a story
but luck has you if you can tell it well that way, speaking
I don't believe words are very important
and neither are pages
I know that the prison downtown Omaha has a small slat of heated concrete
and that the men at Tandy Leather all looked first at my boobs when I walked in
I know when something is wrong in relating
and there was a small piece of broken glass atop my refridgerator,
even though the wine glass smashed on the floor
it won't matter very much if I write or if I don't
it won't matter if you do
mostly what the world likes is hard work and responsibility
it is ancient
the words never meant anything and never will
there are only things that brush against things
I know the way I felt about Bayonne
about the man with his woman in the Chinese-Thai restaurant
about Jimy's Tangine
about the Tandy man
about my grandma in her red blouse
about leaving. It was all pride.
I will be the best because I can't function otherwise.
This is no secret for champions.
Even those who fail.
We only wait for a theme to follow.
Like as though I could fulfill your need.
A few said unique.
We plot our ways out of this.
November 28th, 2009
|01:05 pm - Maca.|
I bought this product from Whole Foods yesterday, wanting it for the Peruvian cocoa powder and not knowing what maca is.
"Why Do People Use Maca?
According to folklore, ancient Incan warriors took maca before going off to battle to make them physically strong. However, they were later prohibited from taking it, in order to protect conquered women from their heightened libidos.
One study looked at the effect of 4 months treatment with maca tablets on semen quality in nine adult men. Treatment with maca resulted in increased seminal volume, sperm count, and sperm motility.
A 12-week randomized controlled trial looked at 1,500 mg maca, 3,000 mg maca, or placebo. After 8 weeks, there was an improvement in sexual desire in the men taking maca."
I made a cup of this maca cocoa last night before driving down to Lincoln, drank it on the way. Or more like chewed it. I did remark that my voice felt strangely mellifluous once I got there.
|09:47 am - Being drunk.|
Not necessarily, or not exactly. I can never lose my mind. Which is good, you'd say, but what I mean is: still there's a loosening, a permissiveness not necessarily, not exactly, about anything physical or mental, but more like a sense of humor:
want to put the glass plate with the macaroni on the metal pan on the gas stove and let the flame run and see if it will melt the cheese?
Not because, it seems like a good a idea, but more like, it's happening, and there's something funny about it.
The mind is there, the conservation is not.
November 25th, 2009
|07:02 pm - Je te donne un baiser.|
This is overdone, but why do "baiser" (French verb, "to fuck") and "un baiser" (French noun, a kiss) have to be the same word?
It just gets sort of unsettling reading it, as "un baiser" is usually used in an innocent context.
|06:55 pm - And hang-ups about cooking meat.|
For fear of the danger of raw meat I usually cook it until scortched. Even fish.
I need some lessons.
I think I'm a pas mal baker though.
Or a pas mal something.
I maybe only care about making something if it has chocolate in it.
Remember that chocolate chili?
You probably don't remember.
|06:49 pm - Don't cook.|
Whenever I cook something at the apartment, I have my share, it's usually a let-down, and then I leave it in the pan and put it in the fridge and then leave for Omaha and come back and it's all condensation-pooled and old and spoiled and I leave it in there until the next weekend when I do my leaving-Lincoln ritual and empty the trash and have to scrap the sludge of whatever I made out into the white plastic trash bag and think what a shameful waste, and wonder if I'm ruining my pans this way.
But what I should tell you is - yes! Cook on your own, it's pleasurable and relaxing and rewarding and healthful, and then you have to clean the dishes alone (unless you take them back to Omaha like I do to wash them in the dish-washer). Not to mention eat alone. What an anti-climax.
It's better to be in a family (of whatever nature), is probably what I mean.
But it's also sort of hilarious and educative to be alone.
So as you wish.
Once I checked out a cookbook for people who live alone.
I have this laughter in mind about something we talked about.
Sort of, perfect.
|06:28 am - I don't think I stop reading from when I wake up.|
I was thinking the other day. This isn't a new condition. But it's sort of strange. After class got out tonight for Thanksgiving break I got back to my apartment and thought: ah-ha! what can I read now that I'm free? Then I decided that's not all there is to life - but I don't understand how life can be lived without all this learning to do. Like I still need to cram so much in, all these books I have I can only get pieces in at a time and seldom finish a project. I'm not even very well-read, but am a monster gleaner. Newspapers, bizarre old books, language books, books on religion, unsettling mystery novels, chocolate history, coffee history, Middle Eastern mess, Algeria, art, myth, Harry Potter, Arabic, civil rights.
I try to be a beautiful woman. A whole reader. Someone who lives and then takes up a novel at night or in quiet weekend hours and reads daily until finished and then sets it back on the shelf with a sigh. Breathe smoothly so that oxygen gets clear out to all their capillary tips.
There really are people like this.
I'm sure there are.
I'm just not them.
I want so much.